


To Be Loved

by CassieSalvatore_Hale



Category: Divergent (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Past Child Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassieSalvatore_Hale/pseuds/CassieSalvatore_Hale
Summary: I jerked in surprise when I felt a harsh grip on my arm, yanking me towards someone; the alcohol caused me to stumble into their chest. My vision was blurry, so it took me a moment to focus when I tipped my head back to look up at the person who was holding my arm so tightly I was sure it would bruise. Green eyes met icy blue and my breath caught silently in my throat; it was Eric and he looked furious.
Kudos: 4





	1. Useless

_This is a bad idea._ These words hadn't stopped repeating in my head since I'd ended up at the chasm. The alcohol swimming through my system was slowly drowning the thought, making the words quieter and quieter until I could barely hear them; other words took their place. _Worthless. Unloved. Useless. **Divergent.**_ My breath hitched as I stepped a little closer to the edge, slowly raising my arm so the almost-empty bottle of whiskey was dangling over the edge; I let it drop, watching as it slowly disappeared before I heard it shatter against the rocks. _It would be so easy..._

I jerked in surprise when I felt a harsh grip on my arm, yanking me towards someone; the alcohol caused me to stumble into their chest. My vision was blurry, so it took me a moment to focus when I tipped my head back to look up at the person who was holding my arm so tightly I was sure it would bruise. Green eyes met icy blue and my breath caught silently in my throat; it was Eric and he looked furious. He shook me sharply, once, before he began speaking rapidly, his voice clipped; it was a little difficult to understand him but I managed to get the gist of his agitated words even as I let my head drop so I was no longer looking at him.

"I'd rather die by my own hand than by the hand of others."

I hadn't even realized I'd been the one that had said those words until Eric snapped out a reply.

"What are you talking about?" He seemed less furious now, more confused, but he was still quite angry; I didn't understand why.

I blinked and looked up at him again. I met his glacial eyes once more and opened my mouth, the words falling like a waterfall. "My mother made it her mission in life to make sure I knew that I was worthless and unloved, completely useless; I craved nothing more than freedom from the prison that was my home, and the abuse that haunted me for years. I decided to come _here_ long before the Aptitude Test, but I prayed that the Test would tell me that Dauntless was where I belonged." I gave a bitter laugh, continuing without giving him a chance to respond, the alcohol giving me the courage to speak that which I had sworn never to utter. "Instead, my Test informed me that I was even more different than I had ever been led to believe. Instead of telling me that I belonged in Dauntless, it told me I belonged in Erudite, Amity, _and_ Dauntless. That I was _abnormal, **a freak**_. I learned here what happens to people like me, to **_Divergents_** **-"** I spit the name like it was poison-"and I would rather die by my own hand than be executed publicly for being a freak."

Eric stood in front of me, frozen in shock; his grip had gone slack, allowing me to pull my arm from his grasp with ease.

I stepped away from him, turning back towards the chasm as I walked slowly back to the edge, being careful not to tip prematurely into it. My voice dropped to a whisper, echoing eerily in the chasm. "It would be so easy..." I took a step closer, not really paying attention to the footsteps I could hear coming around the corner. My head was beginning to spin from a combination of the alcohol I had consumed and the words repeating over and over in my head. _Worthless. Unloved. Divergent. Useless. **Divergent. Divergent. DIVERGENT.**_ I pitched forward and two simultaneous shouts sounded as I blacked out.

* * *

I awoke much later, feeling groggy, but undeniably alive; hadn't I convinced myself to do away with the mess that was my life? I slowly sat up, as I quickly discovered that quick movement made my head spin, and looked around the room; it didn't look even remotely familiar, and yet it weirdly did. I was clearly in someone's bedroom that was _definitely_ not mine, and I could see three different doors that led out, but one of them was cracked enough to reveal a bathroom, so I knew that wasn't out. I stared at the wall opposite the obscenely large bed I was on, before registering that I could hear shouting coming from a different room. _What the fuck..._ I got out of the bed, as slowly as I sat up, and stumbled slightly over to the door closest to the furthest wall, releasing just before I opened it that it was the door to the rest of the apartment/house. The door didn't make a sound as I opened it, and neither did the floor as I walked across it, walking down a short hallway that lead to a living room on the left and a kitchen on the right. My stomach growled angrily at the thought of food, but my attention was pulled to the argument in the living room.

Eric and Four were standing across from each other, both looking murderous, but for once, I somehow knew they weren't furious with each other. I could barely follow their 'conversation' because they were talking so fast, but I was able to catch fractions of it, though they didn't help ease my confusion. I tried clearing my throat but neither seemed to notice me. I thought for a moment before bringing two fingers into my mouth and giving a _sharp_ , high-pitched whistle that had both of them flinching and turning their glares on me, though both of their faces almost immediately changed when they saw me. I saw the fury be wiped from their faces, expressions of concern immediately replacing them, and I stared at them, confused.

"What happened?" My voice was hoarse, but I managed not to have a coughing fit; Eric left to the kitchen while Four focused on me.

"What do you last remember?"

I frowned and actually thought about it; I had a vague flash of memory of leaning over the chasm and I thought I might've pitched forward, but if I had, I wouldn't be standing here. My frown deepened as I tried to think harder on it, but my concentration was interrupted by Eric shoving a glass of water in my face. I flinched in surprise before hesitantly taking it with a brief nod and a mumbled 'thank you'. I drink about half the glass before finally answering Four's question. "Not much, honestly. I vaguely remember a conversation with... someone. I got a bottle of whiskey from... somewhere. And at some point, I think when I was about halfway through with the bottle, I ended up at the chasm, I think."

Four and Eric gave me almost identical frowns.

"Who did you speak to, and where did you get the bottle?" Eric's tone was snappish, but it didn't make me angry like it normally would.

"I don't actually remember. I didn't pause because I was coming up with a lie; I paused because I was trying to remember and couldn't. I really don't remember much about last night."

I finish the other half of the glass and Four actually waits until it's empty before he says his next words, of which part of me is thankful because I would've choked.

"So you're Divergent?"

I stiffen, the now-empty glass slipping from my hands and shattering on the floor, though I don't even notice it. I can hear a woman's voice speaking, hear it echoing in my head.

_"Your results were inconclusive... not impossible... If you don't fit into a category, they can't control you... You can't stay here, they'll kill you if they find out."_

I looked down at the now broken glass on the floor, letting out a hollow apology. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and I jerked back, automatically pulling out the knife tucked into my boot. Four froze with his hands up; he knew exactly how good with the blade I was, he'd trained me.

"Easy, Ember. Just take it easy."

I let out a harsh laugh, and it sounded bitter. "Take it easy? Why? So you can kill me yourself? I don't think so." I brought the knife up to my throat, but there was a sudden blur of movement and the knife was forced out of my hand. I felt an arm wrap around my waist, pressing my back into a firm chest.

"Stop trying to do that." The voice that growled the words directly into my ear was furious and with Four still standing in front of me, I knew that it was Eric's. I struggled in his arms.

"I'm not going to let you kill me yourself!"

A hand slapped over my mouth as Eric held me still. "We're not going to kill you!"

I froze as the words were hissed into my ear. I locked eyes with Four, gauging his reaction to the words.

"We're not going to hurt you, Ember." Four slowly stepped closer until he was standing right in front of me. "I promise."

I was panting heavily, my heart was pounding in my chest, and I was confused all over again.

"Four is Divergent as well."

I blinked, shocked by Eric's whispered words.

Four gave him a brief glare, but he nodded once at the words.

Eric's hand released my mouth when he was sure I wasn't going to shout again.

"You're Divergent?" I could hear the disbelief in my own voice.

"I am. I'm still here, aren't I?"

 _Useless..._ "You're useful, of course you're still here."

Four blinked, surprised by the words, but Eric's growl had me stiffening against him again. He forcibly turned me to face him, glaring down at me. "Who is your mother?"

"What?" Four sounded confused.

I stared up at Eric, confused by the question as well. "Why do you want to know?"

Eric sighs in frustration. "Last night, you spoke of your mother when you admitted you were Divergent; said she made sure you 'knew' you were worthless, unloved, and useless. I just want to know who she is."

I frowned and shook my head. "It doesn't matter, I'm not there anymore."

Eric seemed to grit his teeth if the clenching of his jaw was any indication. "It's still affecting you. You're laboring under the belief that you are useless, worthless. You're _not_."

I snorted, shoving Eric's hands off me as they were still holding tight to my waist.

"Eric's right, Ember. You're not useless. And Eric hasn't told anyone about my Divergence, but it's not because I'm _useful_ to him. At least, it's not the _only_ reason."

Even without looking at him, I could hear the teasing that Four's tone took on near the end of the sentence. Eric rolled his eyes at Four and I found myself rather amazed at how they interacted behind closed doors; it was like they were still friends.

"Look, Ember, initiation is almost over and you're near the top. Don't screw up before the end, and _don't_ hurt yourself, and then we'll explain what our plan is. We need your help, _because_ of your Divergence."

I looked into Eric's eyes, desperately trying to read him; for once, it wasn't actually difficult. I could see more emotion swirling in his icy eyes at that moment than I ever could before; there was clear anger, though I somehow knew it wasn't directed at me, and there was concern shining in his eyes that _was_ for me. I found myself nodding once and then Four was leading me out of the apartment; I snagged my knife on the way out.


	2. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I intended and even decided to go in an.. unexpected.. direction. I struggled with the fears but I think I did pretty good.  
> The bold and italicized during her Fear Sims are her thoughts. Regular bold is just to signify the emphasis that italics would normally provide.  
> Enjoy!

I wasn't nervous; _I wasn't._ On the contrary, I was actually angry. I stalked into the room when my name was called; my eyes flicked to where I could see the leaders of Dauntless standing; Jeanine Matthews was standing with them, the Erudite blue of her dress a startling contrast to the black of Dauntless. I turned my attention back to what I was about to do; Four was the one standing by me in the center of the landscape room as he told my name, rank, and faction of origin to the observers. Most of them seemed surprised that someone hailing from _Amity_ was ranked 3rd, but it didn't bother me; I was made for Dauntless and I'd known it since I was a child.

Four stepped closer, his face mostly blank, though the look in his eyes told me that he was worried about me; I returned the blank look, and his jaw twitched as if he was fighting a smirk when he noticed the anger shining in my eyes. I caught a glimpse of the injection gun full of the serum; my stomach twisted at the needle but I ignored the sensation, instead choosing to move my hair away from my neck myself. I could see the brief surprise; Four knew how I loathed needles, but he didn't hesitate to inject me. Before the simulation dragged me under its control, I heard him whisper softly to me, the words seeming to reverberate in my head as my eyes slid closed.

_"Be brave, Ember."_

* * *

_My eyes snapped open abruptly as ice-cold water surrounded me on all sides. A current swept me up and I winced when my back made harsh contact with a rocky wall. I broke the surface of the water, breathing in harshly as my eyes traveled around; I was at the bottom of the Chasm and it was the only thing I could register before I was dragged back under the water. I could feel the panic welling up inside me as the current harshly jerked me around but I forcibly shoved it down, closing my eyes and letting the current move me. I felt my body relax and I slowly breathed out all the air in my lungs. I snapped my eyes back open and turned abruptly, swimming towards the wall that was across from me; when my hands brushed it, I dove down, easily finding the cave entrance and slipping inside, coming up in a little pocket of air. I greedily sucked in the air before my world tilted._

_I was standing outside a home that I didn't recognize; my stomach was tied up in knots as my feet moved of their own accord, forcing me to walk into the building. I mechanically climbed the steps to the only room on the second floor, the door closed. I pushed it open and shouting reached my ears the moment the door even became ajar, as if the door being closed had made the room soundproof. There I stood in the center of the room, my face red as I screamed at a terrified little girl; I was older by a good several years, nearly the age of my mother. The little girl's blue eyes were shining with tears that were also sliding down her cheeks while the older facsimile of me screamed something about 'crocodile tears' in the face of the child that was no doubt my own.  
The scene struck me as horrifyingly similar to something I had been a part of as a child with my own mother; this was not a fear I had seen before but it didn't actually surprise me. The older copy of me raised her hand and I moved without hesitation as the horror and terror was abruptly replaced with a rage that I had never felt. My fist collided with the copy's temple and she went down; I turned to the child and knelt to her level as she trembled and cried, holding out my arms. She jumped into my arms, clinging to me as she cried and I quietly soothed her as the room faded around us._

_I could feel the cold material pressing against my throat long before the blindfold was ripped off my head; I met cold, calculating eyes.  
_ _"All you have to do is tell us a name." The voice of the man standing in front of me is as cold as his eyes, but it doesn't deter me, e_ _ven as the fear threatens to swallow me whole. Two very specific names swirl in my head; **it would be so easy..**  
The thoughts in my head snap me out of it and I grit my teeth, spitting in the face of the man holding the knife to my throat. "Go to hell. I'll never tell."  
I expected to feel a sharp flash of pain across my neck but instead, my world tilts all over again._

_I jerked up out of bed, choking on the smoke in the air; my eyes immediately stung and began watering. I could hear shouts, and I stumbled to the closed bedroom door.  
My voice was hoarse as I called out. "Jyn! Mike!"  
I wrenched the door open, flinching violently at the wall of heat that met me. There was pounding on the door down the hall and my first instinct was to try and open the door when I recognized Jyn's screams and Mike's shouts; I knew from previous experience that the door wouldn't open no matter how much I pounded on it. I moved almost as if controlled by another, past the bedroom door and to the small window at the end of the hall. I pried it open, looking back at the door one final time, before I let go and jumped outside; sometimes not even the Dauntless can save everyone._

_Blood was caked on my hands as I walked down the dark corridor to the bathroom. I nudged the door open and began taking off the rings on my fingers, turning the hot water on. I didn't bother with the lightswitch, instead focusing on trying to scrub the blood off my fingers. A hand that didn't belong to me came into view just as it enclosed around my wrist; the skin was pale and cracked, with some sort of black sludge running through the cracks, and the nails that dug into the flesh of my wrist were as black as the sludge running through the cracks. I allowed my gaze to travel up the arm and saw my reflection in the mirror; my stomach twisted in terror as I met her gaze. My reflection had a twisted grin on her face, showing her three rows of sharp teeth that reminded me of a shark; her eyes, which should've been green, were blood red with no pupil; the same black stuff was oozing from the corner of her eyes and running through the cracks all over her face and body, like she was made of ceramic.  
A small cry of fear left me as my reflection began trying to forcibly pull me into the mirror with her harsh grip on my wrist. The panic swirling in my body was overwhelming as I fought against her grip desperately, one foot pressed firmly against the sink in front of me to keep me out of the mirror. Suddenly, harsh footsteps and a shout sounded from outside the bathroom; my reflection and I froze as the door was wrenched open and the fluorescent light was flipped on. My eyes widened as they met startling ice-blue ones; this was new. For this particular fear, I'd always been alone, and now... I wasn't. Eric stood stock-still in the doorway of the bathroom, staring in horror at me and my reflection; my stomach twisted violently as I looked slowly back at my reflection, whose grin was suddenly sharper than before, sharp enough to cut steel. Her grip on my wrist vanished and I stumbled backward at the sudden loss, tripping and falling to the floor of the bathroom as she _**crawled out of the mirror** _to attack the still-frozen Eric. A shout drew my attention, I dazedly looked up and saw my reflection with her arm drawn back high above her head, wicked-looking black claws dripping with the same strange substance, poised to strike at Eric, who was pinned to the floor beneath her.  
Instead of the fear I had felt scant seconds ago, my vision went red. Another shout sounded but it took me a moment to realize it came from me as I pulled a knife out of my boot and launched myself at my reflection, tackling her off Eric with a scream of fury. I plunged the knife straight into her heart and she went still, the only sound being that of my harsh breathing. **I fucking hate mirrors.**_

* * *

When I came to, I was still sprawled out on the floor, bent over an invisible body that was no longer there. My eyes immediately found Eric and though his expression revealed nothing, there was an unmistakable glint of pride in his eyes. I spared a glance for the Erudite that were there, but they all ignored me, furiously writing notes in their journals. Harrison was making notes of his own at a slower pace, seeming thoughtful with his assessment. I looked last to Max, standing beside Jeanine, and he smiled, looking almost impressed as I smoothly stood from the floor.

“Congratulations, Ember,” Max paused for a moment, before continuing. “You have completed initiation.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add 3rd chapter, I don't know. I wanted this to be an Eric/OC, but the original idea I'd had for this chapter went right down the toilet the day right after I posted the first chapter and what you just read took its place. It feels.. incomplete? *shrugs* Let me know what you think, I guess. If enough people like it, maybe I'll wrestle out a 3rd and final chapter. For now, this is what you've got. For now, there are... subtle hints throughout both chapters that Ember likes Eric.


End file.
